When you go out to one of those fancy-schmancy restaurants in DC, you may encounter a sommelier, whose job it is to help you select the perfect wine to to go with your food. Here at Vertigo, we have come up with the perfect. . .well, something special to go with certain books for your gift-giving requirements:

Under the Black Flag by David Cordingly ($13.95) is an excellent history of pirates. Add a package of Deluxe Pirate Bandages ($3.95) in case of paper cuts while flipping pages, or perhaps a Pirate Duck Squirter ($1.95) for reading while in the bath.

The Pirates! in an Adventure with Communists by Gideon Defoe ($15.95), while another pirate book, is a wacky goofball adventure with communists, and therefore better paired with our Commie Self-Adhesive Mustache & Beard Set ($2.95). This is a book that really needs a full-bodied Red to withstand the bold flavors in the text.

Thank You for Smoking by Christopher Buckley ($13.95) is a hilarious satire of corporate spin taken to new extremes. If the urge to light up while reading becomes irresistible, our Just Like Dad Bubble Gum Cigarettes ($1.50) are just the thing to keep you from blowing smoke.

The Jungle by Upton Sinclair ($5.95, or a nicer paperback for $9.95) is a classic muckraking novel of the slaughterhouses of early 20th century Chicago. An excellent muckraking book of the late 20th century is Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser ($14.95). If a juicy burger still hits the spot after reading either of these books, then the Carnivore Wristband ($1.95) can be worn with pride.

The above are just a few examples of suggested matches from the Vertigo staff–the only sommeliers to be found in College Park.